IF comp 2010 – The Bible Retold: Following a Star

October 7, 2010

Mmm…  Bible huh? That’s like religion and shit.  And what’s a ‘Balthasar’ anyway?

What’s that now?  Babylon?  Game girl that…  so i hear.  She is so a girl.  She is.  I had her once in the back of me cab.  Very bendy, as i recall.

So, which way to bedlam then chummy?  West is it?  Jolly good then.  Jolly good.

Let’s be ‘aving ya then girl…

Awwww… sweet! colour piccies. Now that’s nice. That’s nice in anyone’s book. Looks very professional that((praise the lord), i suspect we’ll be seeing a lot of that kind of nonsense too before we’re done).

Urggghhh! Looks like it’s gonna try and make me do stuff though. Is that some sort of ‘i look pretty, so you’re gonna do stuff’ kind o’ deal?  Cos let me tell ya, that ain’t gonna work.  Doing stuff is strictly against my religion(told you).  <snigger>

So, what do we have here then?  Always pays to look under your mates bed i find.   AAARRRGGGHHHH… you sick bastard.  d’ya know you’ve got a corpse under here?  Wait now… where’d it go?  What the f@#k…!

“Great, Balthasar. You’ve just found the ultra-cryptic twist in the tale right at the beginning.”

I have…?  Oh, well then, that means i’ve won does it?  Nice.  But i think i’ll play on for a bit, if it’s alright with you Casper me ol’ mate.  It is Casper isn’t it?  Didn’t you used to be a ghost?  Wait…  is that your corpse?  It is isn’t it.  Well, using the name Casper was a bit of a giveaway actually, since you ask.

I’m really loving the colour maps.  Very pleasing on the eye.  And they change too, as you proceed.  And there’s one of the star as well, which works very well too considering stars are essentially just little specks of light.  But it is undoubtedly the most pleasing-est little speck of white light i think i’ve ever seen.  I’m not really a great fan of eye candy in IF, unless it’s wearing a bikini, or less… but it’s done so well here, and just looks so damn good that i’m just gonna sit back and enjoy the view.  Still, i’m pretty sure you could have wangled a bikini in there somewhere.  Ya know… if you’d really tried.

Camels are always good.  No matter what anyone tells you,  camels are the man.  Especially if you’re able to just pluck one out of the air when you need to.  The times i could have laughed myself silly at those fools as i plucked my camel out of nothing-ness is nobody’s business.  PLUCK! Up yours suckers…  Oh yeah, i could do with one of them.

About to leave for Jerusalem now and we’re given a really sweet bit of info from Gaspar(the friendly ghost),

“Don’t go back now, Balthasar!” calls Gaspar. “Whatever you’ve forgotten, I’m sure it won’t put things into an unwinnable state.”

This i took at face value and decided not to go back for the f@#k-load of goodies i dropped(or should i say threw down in disgust and sheer frustration) after coming out of the Travellers Store and entirely failing to stash every one of my several thousand items of stolen goods in the various bags, sacks and containers that my dear ol’ camel had so thoughtfully provided.  Now, i knew full well that i’d need some of these things no matter what the sodding game says, maybe not to actually finish or win, but to get the best out of the game.  So… i was absolutely intent on taking everything with me.  None of these goods, incidentally, were paid for.   Handily, you can just knick them.  If you’re really dull, you can just do the ol’,

>get <object>

but if you’re really cool, you can,

>steal <object>

which i am, and so…  i did.

So then, after struggling for a good 20 mins(and i’m being serious now) to get every single one of my dubiously aquired goodies onto my camel, i just succeded in making myself really, really angry and in a fit of rage simply decided to,

>drop all

and then jumped on my camel and buggered off.  <sigh>  With hindsight, i really wish i hadn’t done that.

Ok, so me and my mates Melchior and Cassie and our magic camels are off at a trot, and in the meantime i’m told they’ll follow me if i’m going the right way.  So that’s nice to know.  Or is it?  Am i being stalked?  Are they a pair of dirty little stalkers?  I don’t trust that Cassie girl either.  And when did she become a girl anyway?  And why isn’t she in a bikini?  Tut… so many questions.  But then i suppose that’s how you know it’s a christian thingy, always full a’ questions those Christian dudes.

So, i seem to have followed the aforementioned star west, which clearly deserves to be referred to as far more than a ‘little white speck’ and so henceforth shall be known as ‘the great white hope’.  F@#k, is that racist now?  Christ(praise the lord, eek!), these IF thingys are certainly… er… what’s the word…?  er… ah f@#k, i dunno.  Why do i keep saying f@#k?

So now i’m in… er… goddamn it(praise him…) my transcript seems to have split into two transcripts at this point.  Don’t even begin to ask me why, cos i’ve less idea about that one than you.  It was definately near the dead sea.  I know this because of the super-duper-lovely maps that like to keep me informed about such things as i progress.

Oh, wait.  It’s a little town on our way to Jerusalem.  Of course it is.  And i was right.  It is near the dead sea.  So here after going to our rooms and shit, i’m told,

“We will rest there for the night, and in the morning, if the merchandise of this long-awaited town is sufficient, Balthasar will find gifts for the baby boy, one for each of us.”

Oh yeeeaaaaahhh… of course he will.  Good ol’ Balthasar will do it for us.  That Melchior is really beginning to get on my tits now.  You just lounge around matey and i’ll go do all the work.


So, at this point i’m off at a run, well… a leisurely stroll anyway, and pretty soon i’m chatting away quite happily to all and sundry.  This is good.  It works well.  There’s a Topics command, which is one of many, many and i do mean many special commands.  And it’s all good.  It really is.  In fact it’s just that little bit too good, because i just want to explore everything and talk to everyone and kill Melchior and… what? WHAT?

There’s a trapdoor in the stable incidentally.  I’m really hoping i’ve discovered something earth-shatteringly unknown amongst Christian IF players there.  I feel it’s a deserved accolade given my frustration at trying to steal the entire contents of the Travellers Store and get away with it.  I bet it’s common knowledge.  If it’s common knowledge, and i end up looking like a noob, i’m gonna be really pissed.

No grue though.

Where the crap is my grue?  I was in the dark, no lamp(due to my hissy fit at the Travellers Store) and wandering around quite happily… NOT GETTING EATEN BY A GRUE…!   If this happens one more time in just one more game, i swear i’ll…

So, overall this is a bloody masterpiece.  Even given the annoyance of my not being patient enough to pack my stolen goods properly.

So many commands(that work), so much humour(that’s funny), so many pretty piccies(ah sweet…), so much Christianity((huh…?)praise him…), so little time.

And that may be it’s one problem really(if it is even a problem).  The time limit of 2 hours play before you’re obliged to vote.  It’s simply far too long to get through it in 2 hours.  But then again, if that’s it’s only problem, i’m a happy camper!

If i’d had time to finish within the 2 hours, it would undoubtedly have got 10.  Absoulutely no doubt.

As it is, it gets an 8.  For the universal wonderfulness, the piccies, the humour, the detail, the frustration(partly my fault), the timing issue, the… oh well everything really.

Great stuff.  Very fluff-worthy.

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